giving one's gold away

Here are a few lists I wrote this very morning

first portrait using camp-brewed acorn ink highlights

It’s been quiet here.  

I haven’t written much in years, but I’ve found great peace in starting to share my deep backlog of unpublished writing with the happy handful here in this space. I do this in the spirit of Mary Oliver’s Goldenrod, tossing and bending, “in the pure peace of giving / one’s gold away.”¹

Here are a few lists I wrote this very morning.

Things I’ve been doing besides writing:

Discovering an intense and natural love for portraiture.

Looking at, touching, and smelling plants, many times a day when I can.

So many crossword puzzles. They used to feel too threatening to my competence, because they don’t come naturally. They also used to feel indulgent because they weren’t an act of proving my worthiness for this life. I’m working through a book of NYT Mondays because it’s mostly easy with just a little challenge - this fun-to-challenge ratio keeps my nervous system from taking over.

Practicing being a better loser and letting other people be smarter than me. My partner and I love Snakes of Wrath, and my partner is decidedly better than me. It’s fascinating to watch the part of my brain that reacts, feeling how unfair it is that some people have the capacity to hold multi-step strategies in their brains??! and simply give myself a moment to let that feeling be (while lovingly flipping off my partner), before making my next move. This practice is very new and hard and good.

Reaching out to and chatting with a loved-one and family member that I never even knew I could have in my life. So much bigness in our sharing: big sad, big love, big real, big gentleness, big good.

Deactivating all of my social media accounts. I hope I never go back.

Buddhism. This has easily been the most important thing, and I’m not sure I’ll ever have sufficient words to talk about it, though I love trying with others who also enjoy exploring the failings of language.

Camping, brewing acorn ink over the fire with a magnetic and magical friend, hanging out with baby goats for hours and hours.

Cold plunging in my tub (who am I). And in fresh water when I get the chance.

Building a pretty sacred little mind palace (who am I) to remember only the most important things - to drink water; to eat whole foods; to prioritize meditation and movement.

Things that I’ve always known but which are finally becoming embodied parts of my experience:

I don’t need to prove my worthiness for this life, and I can still be safe.

Other people can be smarter/faster/better at things than me, and I can still be safe.

I can sit with and make space for pain and discomfort, and I can still be safe.

second portrait using camp-brewed acorn ink highlights

Things I wish for you each time I engage in loving-kindness meditation:

May you have joy

May you find wellness within

May you know safety

May you find ease and rest in your days

May you live in embodied trust

May you live in embodied trust

May you live in embodied trust

1. Oliver, Mary. “Goldenrod.” Blue Iris: Poems and Essays.